Nihon no reigisaho - Japanese etiquette

Just before I start...I CAN use chopsticks. I can pick up individual grains of rice with the things. They`re like extra fingers. Of course, as soon as I go out for a meal with a couple of Japanese people, I turn into a meat-fisted clusterfuck. Very nice evening all round, courtesy of Komada sensei & Mrs Komada. Didn`t pay a bean, ate like an annual conference of kings.

I spent a good portion of my time before the meal learning a few Japanese phrases that I could drop into the conversation. This proved to be futile, as the whole evening was spent conversing in English, but I was determined not to let my efforts go to waste. I tried to use the phrase "Nihonjin wa aisoo no ii totemo desu" which, according to the Collins Pocket English/Japanese dictionary, means "Japanese people are very friendly." What it actually means (unless I pronounced it incorrectly) is "Japanese people are very cynical". I am reminded of the Monty Python sketch, where a Ukranian John Cleese is proclaiming loudly in a shop that his hovercraft is full of eels, and that his nipples explode with delight. Komada sensei tells me he had a similar problem when he was living in New Zealand. I reckon it`s a conspiracy to ferment inter-racial tensions, and what better place to hide it in than a billingual dictionary?

Neither of them were drinking, Komada sensei because he was driving, Mrs Komada because she`s a "sensitive" drinker, so I was doing my best not to let the conversation descend into a roaring drunken monologue on my part. I think I succeeded, but it`s hard to tell with Japanese people as they`re generally too polite to tell you if you`re being a fool or not.

The Japanese are incredibly polite. Too polite you might say. They always seem to be apologising. The word "sumimasen" generally means "excuse me", but it`s also a way of saying "thankyou" and a way of saying "sorry". A more serious way of saying sorry is "gomen nasai" but they have a third level of apology - "moshi wake gozai masen" which is the ultimate "I`m truly, unbelievably, utterly wretchedly sorry and I`ll never ever do it again". Even that`s not enough for a discrepancy that warrants this kind of apology, & it has to be backed up with repeated bowing and letters to various bigwigs saying you`ll endeavour to improve your behaviour. I`ve never had to do that...yet.

There`s nicer elements to Japanese etiquette. "Please" and "thankyou" are lovely words in any language. "Onegaishimasu" is a favorite of mine - at the start of each lesson the kids all face the front, bow solemnly and then there`s forty tiny voices screaming "ONEGAISHIMASU!!" I love that sound. Makes me grin like a loon. It`s the politest way of saying "please" - in the context of the lesson, I think the kids are saying "please teach us", whilst the teachers are saying "please learn from us"...or something. When put at the end of "dozo yoroshiku" (pleased to meet you) it makes it even more polite, "dozo" already meaning "please", when offering something.

There are four levels of saying thankyou - "domo", which is very informal (cheers); "hai, domo" which is more of a standard thankyou; "domo arigato", thankyou very much indeed and "domo arigato gozaimasu" which is something along the lines of "you have improved my life considerably by what you have done...YAY!" Of course, this was the first way of saying "thankyou" that I learned, so it slips off the tongue quite easily, often inappropriately (Wow! You sold me some socks! THANKYOU SO MUCH!).

I have no idea what`s being said in the teachers meetings at the start of each day, but I recognise enough words to know that before they launch into the issues they want to raise, the teachers are all roughly saying "excuse me please, thankyou for listening, I have a suggestion that I would be very grateful if you would hear, thankyou so much" - the speech is humble, but the manner is confident and businesslike.

That`s just the language. I`ll save day-to-day things for another entry. This one`s already too long, but in closing, for a moment I saw a hideous echo of myself in the writing style of this guy. Then I kept reading. Prelude to a nervous breakdown? I reckon.